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A tale of bath
#1
Once upon a time, there was a green goblin who smelled--no reeked--of many nasty things, like dead gnome suits and prison cells and swamps and sewage; And dead bodies and blood and oil and grease. Like napalm and gasoline and explosives and other things. And well, you get what I mean when I say that the smell preceded him into the room he walked in, and sometimes it seemed that it went where it wanted. This cloud of gas and funk and death left breath to be cherished and a trail of dead critters in its wake.

So when this green nightmare walked into the guild hall, the tribe members looked up and gave several looks of disgust. Sarathein retreated to a safe faraway place. Anca climbed up to her nest in the rafters. Lailya covered her mouth and her nose. Even Mula quietly exited to the kitchen, with hopes of finding something to cover the smell. He said his greetings, and they grumbled in reply. Lailya glared at him. The goblin asked, "What? Is there something the matter?"

She said, "You reek of oil and death and something most fowl. When is the last time you've taken a bath?"

He scratched his head, and started to respond, then rethought his words. "When I ezcaped last year, I had to zwim a little bit. Don't hold it againzt me. Why do you azk? Oh, perhapz you want to get togezher wizh me?"

She nearly wretched from the suggestion, then stood up and pointed towards the doors with her cane. "Go take a bath! And stop pestering me! Or I'll bring on the pain." She emphasized this, by bringing it down.

Squig gulped and said, "Ah!" Revelation reached his gaze, "Zo, you're one of zhose kind of loverz!"

She glared at him and said, "Not you! Not ever! Now get out of my sight you pesky little snot!"

And that was when Lucinther came into sight. "Is he bothering you?" he asked Lailya, a glint in his eye.

"He was just leaving," she said in reply.

"Your loss babe," Squigvicious said with a shrug, and went to the kitchen to get himself something to drink. He was greeted by a tauren who could probably crush him with one misplaced step. She looked at him, then wrinkled her nose, then looked at some cookies that were trying to shrink away from the reek.

"You'll not find soap anywhere here."

"He shrugged and said, "I only came in for a beer."

"You'll not gain any favors by smelling so bad. Why not do what she asks, and get yourself cleaned up?"

"You zhink zhe'll like me if I do what zhe asks?"

"I think she'll not cringe every time that you pass by."

He grabbed a large brew and went back to the hall. Lailya was gone, and so were the others...except for Lucinther, who watched him with intent.

"Where'z Lailya?"

"She left."

"Will zhe come back?"

"Don't bet on it."

"Too bad, cuz, I got a zurprise for her."

"His eyes narrowed, and he smirked, "So you do have a death wish. Because, if you touch her--"

Squig smirked right back, then started to laugh.

Lucinther glared at him.

Squig laughed even more, and said his farewells.

He got no response.

He pulled out the bomb then walked down the hill. There was a small lake down there. He undressed and jumped in...right after tossing the bomb in. There was a KA-BOOM! SPLASH! And he hit the water. "Now, zhat iz how you take a bazh!" Dead fish started popping up all around, and he looked all around. The smell was horrendous. Something large floated up right beside him. A fish? An eel? There were chunks of it all over. It reminded him of his mother's cooking. He sprinted out of the water and replaced his clothes. He was going to need professional help. He thought for a bit then started up his helicopter. He arrived at Orgrimmar about an hour later, since he had to stop several times to repair the danged machine.

He went to the zeppelin and picked up the ride, went cross the sea, and arrived at Undercity. He charged up his trike and rode to the teleporter to the 'fru-fru city,' as his cousin called it. He went past the royal court, and past the inn in Murderer's row. He went to the good inn on the opposite side of the city.

The innkeeper turned up her nose until she saw the bag of coins. "May I help you, good sir?"

"I'm needin' a bazh."

"A what?"

"A bazh!"

The innkeeper nodded, "Most certainly!"

"I want zee workz!"

"Right you are; it'll be double."

He said, "Not a problem."

She took him down a beautiful hall with mirrors and fountains that lit everything up with the rays of the sun. They entered a room filled with hot tubs and perfume. She said, "Take it all off, Allegro will be with you shortly."

"Zounds nice," he said and started to undress. He bet she'd be pretty.

Five minutes later a blood elf walked in. Long hair done ornately and robes of a priest. Squig looked and squinted. She was pretty slim. And then 'she' spoke, "Bal'a dash, malanore, I am Allegro," he said--for it was a male. Squig covered his privates with one hand and grabbed his clothes with the other, and sprinted out of the room, down the hall with the mirrors and fountains and out of the inn faster than the elf could say, "What is the matter?"

He found himself back on the zeppelin to Orgrimmar and decided to take a flight up to Winterspring. The hot springs would be quite soothing this time of year. The flight took no time, and he charged up his helicopter again. It took half an hour to get to the springs. The steam rose into the air, the water was so warm. He quickly undressed and started to go into the water, when he heard a growl from behind. A rather large yeti loomed over his head. Slowly he reached down to where he put his knives. The yeti swiped at him with his sharp claws, but Squig rolled out of the way. Next moment, he was up on his feet, blades in hand. A well aimed shot to the leg had the beast down on its knee. The goblin leaped up and slashed down with his other knife, opening up the yet's neck. Blood splurted out all over the goblin. The yeti crashed to the ground with a thump. Squig tossed his knives lightly onto the pile of clothes stepped into the water.

Ten minutes later, he was well-scrubbed and clean. He applied some cologne and used the stone in his pack to hearth back to the guild hall.

She was back, looking nice, and talking to Lucinther. Her eyes met his, then narrowed in a scowl. Lucinther looked up and gave him a dangerous look, yet again.

He scratched his head and shrugged. There would be another chance later, and went out the his workshop.

Lailya looked over at Lucinther a quizzical look in her eye. "I think he actually did it."

"Yeah, you've definitely got him in the palm of your hand."

They both smirked.
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