Welcome
You have to register before you can post on our site.

Username:
  

Password:
  




Latest Threads
A guild games (for real this time)
Last Post: Zlinka
05-20-2020 06:34 PM
» Replies: 1
» Views: 2785
Alliance-Horde pet exchange
Last Post: Zlinka
05-16-2020 07:11 AM
» Replies: 3
» Views: 2100
Il'gynoth
Last Post: Zlinka
05-14-2020 02:51 PM
» Replies: 1
» Views: 1808
Vexiona
Last Post: Zlinka
05-07-2020 05:13 PM
» Replies: 1
» Views: 1998
Drest'agath
Last Post: Zlinka
04-22-2020 07:17 AM
» Replies: 3
» Views: 2791

Who's Online
There are currently no members online.

A second opinion (more would be appreciated though)
#1
Ok, my character is Donnchadh, Ryan Maxwell Donnchadh, and I use FlagRSP2. I sent a friend of mine the descript and he says it's WAAAY too long. I need to know if he's right or if I am in thinking that a big long sucker like this is good reading and tells alot about the character. By the way, Sreng, I'm altering my application where applicable with this. Call it fine tuning.

Lank strands of dried seaweed cling to this waterlogged corpse's equally lank and receding hair as he walks towards you. His eyeless gaze falls on you with unerring accuracy as the shattered remnants of his nose sniffs the air and the shreds of skin that were once his ears twitch as if listening for something. The fact that this corpse has no eyes doesn't seem to bother it at all as it seems to have compensated long ago for their loss. For all the hardships that his body looks to have gone through throughout the centuries of life and death, his face wears a wry smile, as if he hears or smells a joke at the world's expense. His lower mandible is missing the majority of it's skin however what remains indicates that he once had a beard. He fingers a length of garrote wire that loops out of a pouch at his hip and his other hand leaves the dagger that it had been gripping. He points at you with a silver ringed finger and says in a cracked voice with a lower class twang "You need somethin', kid?"

What do you folks think?
Reply
#2
Personally, I enjoy longer descriptions.
As long as the description is just that, more or less a physical description, I think any length is suitable. It's just that when people start putting in things about their past and whatnot it gets a bit out of hand, but you know that already!
Reply
#3
Because I'll know of someone's murdered family by looking at them.

Can't anyone just be normal? Does EVERYONE'S family/loved ones have to be massacred? My story is simple. Born with bad vision, good at being a rogue since nobody suspects the blind guy, drowned in a lake and awoke as a Forsaken. Simple and to the point.
Reply
#4
I'll agree on this. Give any details that a casual observer would pick up (general style of clothing and movement, obvious, uncovered scars, eye and hair color if it's different than the player model, etc.), but don't tell your character's life story. That sort of grates on me. I also hold back on details that would usually be missed until someone I'm interacting with hints that they're taking a good hard look.

The basic rule of descriptive writing remains: show, don't tell. I think you've got it: we know just enough about the character to make our own assumptions and must interact to find out more.
Reply
#5
You have also avoided the "You shiver when you look upon his gruesome face" pitfall, where you force the observer to take an action. Your description makes me happy.
Reply
#6
As a comparison, here is my friend's physical descript that I wrote (he can't play WoW so I play for him Smile )

Keep in mind he's a human warrior (BOOO!!!)

An armor-clad bohemoth of a warrior walks toward you with a relaxed gait. His sword and shield are tucked away and his free hands seem uncomfortable, as if by not being in battle, they are unprepared. He flashes a winning white toothed grin at you and his warm eyes smile with his mouth. His brown hair is spiked and his sun browned skin is scarred, like his armor, from many battles. What you can see of the man is corded and belted with muscles that don't even look human. He looks like he could lift a Kodo with ease. The smokey smell of the forge says that he made his own weapons by the immense power of his own hands and his old cloak billows in the wind. He carries himself with confidence as if he knows he's the best and his smile broadens as he extends his hand in greeting towards you.
Reply
#7
Personally, I like both of those descriptions. The only time I feel like someone's is "too long" is when they extend into three or four paragraphs. I don't want to know someone's life story just by looking at them. And I certainly don't need to know about their "hidden tattoos" or scars, because, duh, they're hidden.

I say: Good job.
Reply
#8
Yeah it's still evolving, hehehe.

Lank strands of dried seaweed cling to this waterlogged corpse's equally lank and receding hair and the shattered remnants of his nose smells the air and the shreds of skin that were once his ears twitch as if listening for something. The fact that this corpse has no eyes doesn't seem to bother it at all as it seems to have compensated long ago for their loss. His poorly dyed grey shirt looks to have come from ages ago and it lends to this figure's unbelievably old visage. His cloak is wrapped around his neck and body and he smells of the forge and of strange oils. The small pouches sewn into his armor are filled to almost overflowing with screws, tools, and random parts, labelling him an engineer.

For all the hardships that his body looks to have gone through throughout the centuries of life and death, his face wears a wry smile, as if he hears or smells a joke at the world's expense. His lower mandible is missing the majority of it's skin however what remains indicates that he once had a beard and his arms and legs seem to be held together with hastily done stitches. He fingers a length of garrote wire that loops out of a pouch at his hip and his other hand holds an impressive shotgun. He mutters to himself in an odd accent as he walks by
Reply
#9
Just to act as devil's advocate, I'd say it's too long. I like reading FlagRSP2 descriptions, but when they take up half my screen, I usually don't. I'm also not sure about actions that include the observer in your description, such as "...as he walks towards you", "eyeless gaze falls upon you", "he points at you..." Are you saying your character does this with everyone with whom he comes into contact? Better to describe how you look and leave the character interactions to actual roleplay (in my opinion, of course).

That being said, I think your writing is first rate and I love your how descriptive you are!
Reply
#10
Really good point, Psion. I never thought of it that way. How's that?
Reply


Forum Jump:


Users browsing this thread: 1 Guest(s)
This forum uses Lukasz Tkacz MyBB addons.